Enjoy reading this
sample online Tip:
The Nastiest Habit of All
by Arman Darini, Ph.D.
June 19, 2006
“The meaning of things lies not in the
things themselves, but in our attitude towards them,” -
Antoine de Saint-Exupery.
A simple, almost trivial, yet immensely powerful way to
empower every relationship you have is to change just one
habit. The Habit of the First Meaning. What is the first
place that you look for the meaning to understand what
people do and say? Compare these pairs of actions and
responses:
I smile. - You respond: "Are you laughing at me?" I speak
with a raised voice. - You respond: "Stop yelling at me." I
turn away. - You respond: "Are you ignoring me?" I hold a
steady gaze. - You respond: "Are you trying to stare me
down?" I say: "I want to spend the evening by myself." - You
respond: "Are you tired of me?"
To these pairs of same actions and different responses:
I smile. - You respond: "Are you happy to see me?" I
speak with a raised voice. - You respond: "You feel so
passionate about this!" I turn away. - You respond: "Is that
the cat joining us again?" I hold a steady gaze. - You
respond: "You are very much interested in what I'm saying,
aren't you?" I say: "I want to spend the evening by myself."
- You respond: "You must have worked hard today and need
some quite time."
For the first set of responses, you searched for the
meaning of actions and words on the dark side. For the
second, - on the light side. Most of us have habitual
patterns in how we understand things - either we look first
on the dark side or on the light side.
If you tend to look first for the dark side meaning using
the question: "How can this be a problem?", then it might be
really difficult to be in a long relationship with you.
People with the dark side meaning habit are high maintenance
and use up a lot of energy, their own and everyone else's.
Once on the dark side path, you feel vested in it, and it is
hard to reverse it. So you might spend hours rescuing the
relationship from ever present dark side traps. (Have you
ever had it happen when a sincere comment like "You look
lovely tonight, honey," degenerated into a three hour ride
through the relationship abyss?)
On the other hand, if your first impulse is to look for
the light side meaning using the question: "What are just a
few positive meanings of this event?", then other people
will find you uplifting and energetic. And easy to be
friends with and to love. You of course would reserve the
right to change the meaning you had chosen as more evidence
becomes available. (E.g. if your friend pushes you after
speaking with a raised voice, then perhaps he really was
yelling at you.)
At this point, a word of caution is in order - you might
be tempted to think that the Habit of the First Meaning is
obvious and simple. Yet, don't let the appearance fool you -
like all in science, the more profound is the truth, the
more obvious it sounds. You might think: "Sure, I am on the
light side." Truth be told, most people are habituated to
getting lost on the dark side.
Why do some people prefer to look first for dark
meanings? After asking many people this question, it is
clear that the predominant reason is to avoid being hurt.
And that does make sense, doesn't it? If I first think of a
really bad explanation and imagine it vividly, then whatever
happens will be on the bright side. As Mark Twain said: "I
am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most
of them never happened."
So, the habit has served a useful purpose of protecting.
And just like an overzealous parent who doesn't yet realize
that the child has grown and is ready to step out on his
own, the habit built up during earlier formative years is
still here holding you back. Some people choose to live
forever with their parents never adventuring out into the
world - always holding back until the doors of their house
rust shut forever. But most of us now find the right time to
move on and while honoring our parents search for new ways
to express ourselves. Step by step allowing ourselves even
if temporarily to test new ways of the light side by asking
"What could be the positive meaning behind these words and
actions?" And opening up to the delight of immediately
noticing so much light in actions and words of others.
Wouldn't that be lovely?
Pause for a moment to think now of something that
happened to you last week that you didn't like. And ask
yourself: "What positive meanings could have I thought of
back then?" A seemingly trivial question like that can often
immediately heal hurt and anger. Now imagine a similar time
in the near future when you will have a chance to practice
the light side meaning. Get a good sense for how that will
change how you feel and the whole interaction, and how
differently people will react to you. And every time you
communicate with people now, begin noticing how light the
world becomes with one simple question.
While you practice this new skill, in the next article I
will take a closer look at another way that we create or
destroy our relationships through anchoring.
