Enjoy reading this
sample online Tip:
Don't Shoot the Messenger
by Arman Darini, Ph.D.
July 18, 2006
“Whenever you have truth it must be given
with love, or the message and the messenger will be
rejected,” - Mahatma Gandhi.
In the previous article I described relationship
anchoring - how a few seemingly common sense reactions can
destroy even the best of relationships, and how by timing
your reactions just a little differently you can easily turn
things around. Today I continue the topic of creating
extraordinary relationships by examining something that
happens to all of us every day, yet something that only
rarely people are skilled at - communicating negative
emotions well.
Think of the last time Someone did Something that made
you feel bad, and how you expressed your feelings. Did you
get the emotional support you wanted, did you resolve it
peacefully or did you get into a fight? Even if you believe
that someone slighted you and made you feel bad (this line
of thinking - "(s)he made me feel bad" - is a perversion of
reality that I will talk about in the next article), it is
still your responsibility to communicate skillfully how you
feel. The worst kind of strategy you can use is to blow up
and psychologically punch your "offender" (weren't you just
yesterday saying how much you love her/him?)
Some simple examples when this happens include one
partner coming home late from work, the other feeling upset.
Or one leaving the bed unmade, the other feeling angry. Or
one being busy, the other feeling uncared for. Or one
flirting, the other feeling jealous. And millions of other
everyday emotional disturbances.
Of course, it is important to speak your mind, to let
people know how their behaviors affect you, especially if
you are in a close relationship with them. Otherwise, if you
repress your emotions, they slowly get built up inside,
until you explode (and your relationship together with
them). But, if you never learned how to communicate your
feelings well, it is very easy to put people on defensive
(or sometimes offensive) by blaming them.
The thing is, because most people's identities are not
developed enough to withstand an attack, they react by
throwing up mental shields to protect their selfs. Once
their mental shields are up, they reject all of your words,
even if they are appropriate. What follows is basically an
escalation war, typically a lose-lose proposition. Example:
- "You are late again, we are going to miss our
appointment." - "Again? When was the last time I was late?
You always exaggerate!" - "No I don't. Remember..."
So, how do you get the message across without being shot
as the messenger? The technique is deviously simple -
instead of attacking the person because of their behavior,
describe how you feel because of the problem that you
foresee. In other words, think of it this way - there are
three elements here at work: their behavior (e.g. being
late), the problem that you foresee (e.g. missing
appointment) and your emotional state (e.g. feeling
worried). Blaming connects the first two elements together,
i.e. behavior to problem, to create an attack (look at the
example above again). Instead, skillful communicators use
the technique that connects the second two elements
together, i.e. problem to emotional state. Example: - "I
feel worried, because I am afraid we might miss our
appointment." - "Yes, sorry, I got stuck in traffic. Let me
change really quick and we'll go."
Totally different interaction focused on finding
solutions. Of course, it is still valuable to address
lateness if it's a recurring patterns and if it's important
enough. That can be done later once the emotions have
subsided and you re-created strong rapport. A simple rule is
to discuss differences and disagreements only AFTER you have
great rapport, NEVER before.
Test this new strategy for communicating how you feel,
and you will see first-hand just how much difference it
makes in establishing a harmonious relationship. In the next
article, I will describe the what and the how of blaming,
and point out how the language gives your thoughts away to
observant listeners.
